Worst case scenario

Today, I woke up and felt courage. No, I don't think it was anything I ate, or anything too spiritual. Rather, I think it's because it dawned on me that I had survived another worst case scenario.

My greatest fear in coming to Paris was not how things would work out here. Rather, it was how far away I was going to be from my family, our families. Should anything happen, it would take us forever to get back. And so I prayed, please keep everyone well.

And of course, worst case scenario happened. I am not talking about how it eventually turned out. I am talking about receiving that dreadful news at 1am in the middle of the night and realizing I am too far to see, to feel, to think straight. That is the worst case scenario.

The thing about worst case scenarios, I suppose, is that they come from one's greatest fears. And regardless of how we are taught to confront our fears or sometimes run from them, some things are not in our control. I cannot decide when the realization of this fear should knock at my door and when it does, it is not in my power either to wish it away. So when my greatest fear appeared at my doorstep, worst case scenario stood right next to him.

And today, I realized that it's over. The much dreaded visit had come and gone. And I had survived it, not without my share of injuries, but still, I survived it.

So what has changed?

I am not sure I can put it in words. I won't call it faith because the moment I do, I risk pointing that faith toward the mortal me, instead of the omnipotent God. So the closest word I can think of, is courage.

Ha...while typing this post, I got an email telling me it's time to renew our visas. Another round of massive administration. Now, I know why courage came.

Jo